Serenity

Sometimes, I really want to know how it feels to be dating. However, why does all then negative points seems to outnumbered the positive ones, yet the love outweighs everything.

I promise that I will see through you guys age. I will take care of you guys before I allowed myself to collapse. But its unpredictable, maybe I would collapse first. Lets see, my heart dies faster or the time pass by faster.

The moment when someone close to you say that you are fake, sly and a backstabber, and you gone numb instantly. Like you can just crumble to pieces.

Because, I dont want to be reliance. I dont want to be the attention seeker.

I wanna shut myself down from time to time. I wanna add one new scars on top of the old one. I wanna to be able to do thinfs freely without considering the next steps or the complication. My past seems stressful. Yet now, the stress level isnt any lower. Tell me a one word, I thought of a million. You tell me a million words, I summarized it to one. Thats how my life is now, dont bother.. becausr I knew I will jot be able to go back. Back to the kid that is free to pick her path and free to shape herself. Im fixed, in a way that me myself or others cannot accept. What to do with this fixed pieces that cannot be fixed? A tainted cloth, a shattered glass, a crumpled paper and a broken heart. A dream that turns into nightmare. Or should I say, a dream that is no difference from nightmare.

It hard to hide my crooked mind set. My twisted mind have led me some where deep. Now I lose myself, I don’t know which path is way back home. I don’t know who is the real me. Photos tell me nothing. That smile of mine in that photo must be fake. I must have been crooked from the start. Perhaps I dont have to go back home. I can just stay here, evem though its nowhere. But nothing’s wrong eh.

Tell me about your death wishes. Tell me how much you want it. Tell me how you want your death to be like. How others should be. Tell me should we follow, becaus4 memories still lingers after death. Tell me about how fucking selfish one person can be. Tell me, tell me even if you love me, our life ended up fucked. Thats not cruelty. Thats life. And life are suppose to be like this. I understand. No worries. :)

Im someone, whom I dont give trust. Because I believed in benefits of doubt. I dont intend to be reliant, because I dont need it. Its okay for people to rely on me, cause im not a leaver. I dont build up friendships, because its tedious and sometimes it hurts. If friends are the one we rely on when we are in need of a shoulder, I have mine. I have two of my own shoulder to rely on, I just dont need friends, relationship or trust. All that can turn to ashes in second and engulf someone alive. I dont allowed weaklings in me. Call me twisted or whatsoever. This is a set of rules I lived by.

“If you could remember the taste of past, you will taste your present well”

The past tasted bitter, lingering in my mouth. The olden days are painted grey, as the colours of life just wouldnt fit. The dirty grey drove me mad that I started to dye it red. With the bits of red I filled it up with, the adrenaline rush doubled up. The sensation was addictive, no one knew, no one understand. What I heard was full of shit, people accusing me for the spoilt painting. As time goes, colours strucks, using them to repaint it. The colour were different, it was tainted with hint of grey and shades of red. Its not perfect but its my life. From time to time the fading scars shows up, reminding me of the red painting. Im not shameful but proud to say, even though it’s like a mocking scene, yet my painting with the red foundation, sure poses something more than just a blank white piece of canvas with a perfect tone of rainbow.

The very moment when a decision was made, it has it’s clarity, reasons and even meaning. Decision leads to varies path, that could be to the dreamland or even the reality. I mustn’t say reality will be a cold hard ground that will hammer hard on you, reality cpuld be somewhere you truly wake up. On the other hand, for dreams, don’t expect for rainbow and candyfloss-liked clouds. Never did anyone believed, there always phases in life when you always half alive, constantly changing, climbing up a ladder set by our very self. We humans are making decision half alive. Sure we will regret it one day, somehow or whatsoever. Not tomorrow? A year later? Decades later? Or at your death bed? Against, how do we live life to the fullest without regrets?

The dreams that we shared, the future you said.
The life that we lead, the differences that you made.
The gap that we had, the tiny effort you gave.
The spilt that we had, the minimal care you showed.
But, im glad that I get to participate in weaving the story of your dream even though im not in it.

Yes, that low esteem of mine, creates milllions and millions of holes and trap waiting for me to fall.
I never doubt about every single stuff that occurs, as I deem them as a punishment for me. In which I should go through. I have to continue, facing them as for who I am, I am sinful. But who would have knew, that low esteem is part of me? Trying hard to pull myself down, so I can rest comfortably in self sorrow. Rest comfortably in arms of relinquished dreams. That im not capable of anything. So I can just fade away and live in a stress less life by telling myself im depressed enough to take no more.

Its dumb, when you believed tuat very lie to comfort your own heart.
Whatever you hide by trying to blind yourself, is even more clearer than what you see.
Trying to blind yourself, makes your heart even more focus, focus on the reason given to ease that little thing in life that he or she couldnt be bothered to spend a minutes more.
Everyone get their new toy fast.
If to you I am just a toy, Please, I am not, and I am not born to entertain, but to be appreciated.
Before you knew, I actually knew tuat before you do.
Go away.
Im leaving.

Look at this hand, frail and dry.
Look at that hand, swollen and big.
Look at them, they been through alot. Hand that starts to feel warm since they are born.
This is the hand that was bleeding when they start learnt how to walk because they fell.
The hand that use to write.
The hand that they use to feel their love one.
The hand that they use to exchsnge their life time vows.
The hands that they use to nurse their young ones.
The hand that use to hand their son and daughter to someone.
The hand that they use to carry their grandchildren.
This hand gets colder and colder as time passes.
Passing the warmth they first felt to someone else before they leave the world maybe their one last wish.

Your love is like glaring sun pushing me back into the sea when i surfaced.

At times, its like starless night, leaving me to wither off in the dark cold atmosphere back into the ocean.

Never once doubted the reason but Im always left alone to fight speechlessness.

You never know, the distance i kept from the surface of the sea, it is like the distance i kept myself away from reality.

“Give me love”
“Give me love”

“What is love?”

Ever felt standing in the mid of crowd, seeing people moving forward and disappear slowly? Or perhaps stop runnning in the mid of a race, seeing others dash past the line where you are right there staring… asking yourself, why run this race?

Just at times, when you feel everyone is moving forward, while you felt being lagged behind, just ask yourself, are you ready?

Let’s say it is miracle. A Chance given to remeet. Rather than being a stranger that i once know, isn’t it better to start off with a brand new stranger. Let us live like we never knew there is someone like you or me. If we are meant to meet again, we will…agree? From the start, who should assume that they know someone, when sometimes we cant even understand ourselves? If we never assume that we knew that person, there will never be disappointment.

Leaving this world for tranquility, just why i dont understand. Life could be miserable at times. The tears they cried, the atmosphere they created, the sound they played, brought part of me back. Early morning, even pounding of drizzling rain can be too hard to tolerate. Your suppose to be cold and clammy hands, are even warmer than my palm. I remember i told myself i will not forget the moment… Your last warm, it travels straight right into my heart. I can go back there a million times, but no way i could get you back. At times i wonder and hope for life with you two around. How would it be like? Better i guess? Wonderful, fantastic, lovable.